What if I don't want to be nice?

In my line of work, a top priority is to help people want good stuff for other people, not at their own expense, but in some version of win/win. Real communication that does something productive and good rarely happens without this most basic commitment. I have to admit, though, that this is not easy for me always. Sometimes, I just want people to listen to me and do what I say. I can feel like I don’t have the patience or strength to go through the right process to get a good conclusion for us both. I just want it done and out of the way.

I’m hoping you know what I mean. Chances are, if you have children, are in management, or simply drive a car, you do. Other people can feel so frustrating, and if they would just listen to you, all would be well. Right? Honestly, sometimes I am so exhausted from the details of my life, I forget to even consider the other person is human. They are an obstacle, and that’s it.

But there is a bottom line in every moment of communication: I have to see the other as a person, like me, with thoughts and needs, and I have to want a good outcome for them, or even what seem to be my most brilliant ideas and my highest sense of right will create a seen or unseen spot of disconnect that will fester until it becomes a blight on the relationship. Maybe you have had this experience. If you have children in their teens or twenties, you’ve likely heard from them about how your words and actions made them feel ways you never intended. I’ve been shocked at the years-long misunderstandings of my opinions that have come out over the years with my kids. It has been humbling to realize the number of times I thought I was listening, and I just wasn’t. Or maybe you have employees, and you pride yourself on open communication and still find that people are afraid to bring up issues with you.

The work of watching our motives in communication is the most basic need if we wish to be successful. And it is work, though it becomes much easier with practice. You can read every communication book on the planet, get a Communication Coach, even attend individual or group therapy, and nothing will change for you if you are not motivated to have a good outcome for both you and those with whom you are communicating. This can seem counter-intuitive in some instances and even outright wrong in others.

For example, how can I want good outcomes for my competition? In order for me to win, doesn’t someone have to lose? In situations where the supply of something seems limited, how can we work for mutual good. That would mean I have to give something up, and who wants to do that? Well, there is a growing contingent of pretty extraordinary business minds that believe we’ll all be better off when we start considering others as equally important and valuable as ourselves. Maybe you’ve heard of Daniel Pink and his book To Sell is Human. It posits that making the sale must come second to the well-being of others, and he’s got the real-world examples to back up the idea that you’ll be better off in the long run.

More recent books, that I would say are some of the most important business books you could read, are Paul N Larsen’s book Find Your Voice as a Leader and Nate Regier, Ph.D.’s book Conflict without Casualties. In unique ways, both of these books explain the need for more effective, compassionate communication and the ways to achieve this goal. Both books have strong links to business, but every word can be translated into other relationships because communication has the same roots and the same needs regardless of the situation.

If you find it hard to even want to think about others in your efforts to communicate, I can relate, but it’s work we all must do if we want more success in our relationships and our business dealings. Reading the books I’ve mentioned will be a huge step in the right direction. Also, get yourself a Coach. Developing communication skills is a very hard job without someone to help you see where you can improve and help you stay accountable to your goals. But you can start right now trying to remember that whomever you are speaking with is a person who, just like you, at the very least, may need a little compassion. That one step will start you on a journey that you, and everyone you know, will be glad you started.